We talk with a lot of people who struggle with sexual lust and most of them are committed Christians, even pastors and ministry leaders. And it’s not just men — women also struggle with lust, though usually in a different way.
It seems that lust is everywhere in our society. It’s become normal to us.
We expect to see sexy women fawning over a new car or making love to a hamburger in commercials. Sexually graphic material that used to be considered pornography fills our minds through movies, magazines, websites, and conversations. Many people even dress sexy for church and think nothing of it. I’ve talked with Christians who think it’s okay for them or their spouse to enjoy some “eye candy” as long as they gratify their appetite home.
What is Lust?
Sexual desire in the context of the husband and wife relationship is good and beautiful — unless it’s selfish, showing little or no regard for the spouse’s well-being.
Loving sexual desire for a spouse is not what I mean when I refer to lust. God created us as sexual beings to share intimate love and physical pleasure in marriage. This is a sacred oneness that is not just physical and emotional but spiritual too — it reflects the union of Christ and his bride (the church) in a mystical way (Ephesians 5—–). Sexual intimacy blossoms in a marriage in which their is trust and respect.
Lust is contrary to love; it is an inappropriate desire for selfish gratification. (By the way, there are other kinds of lust, like lust for money or power.) Sexual lust a way of using someone else’s sexuality (body and personality) physically or emotionally for your own pleasure and excitement.
The obvious example of lust is a man who uses pornography, enjoys looking down a woman’s blouse, or flirts with a friendly woman. Women may lust after a man’s brawn or his personality. More commonly, they may want to be desired by a man and end up soliciting lust from them.
The Psychology of Lust
There is some psychology that you need to understand in order to make sense of lust — and to prevent a lot of unnecessary guilt. (Guilt is a big problem in these matters and often it feeds into more lusting as way to assuage the guilt feelings.)
To have the thought that someone is attractive is not lust. To feel attracted to someone is not lust. It’s lust when you cultivate the desire — you look a second time, you dwell on the feeling of desire, you look for sexually explicit material, you recall an experience and use it for sexual excitement.
To be “tempted” to lust is not a sin. Even Jesus was tempted to lust (Hebrews ——-). Sin always involves choice; it’s when you put your will behind an inappropriate sexual thought or desire — letting yourself enjoy something that is forbidden (because it is not good for you or others) — that it becomes lust.
Lust as an “Opportunity”
Over the years we have helped many dozens of people who struggle with lust. Pornography. Flirtations. Affairs. Anonymous sex. Sex for money. Sex for power. Struggles with homosexuality. We’ve helped all kinds of people with all kinds of lust problems.
Here’s the typical pattern. People think lust is an “opportunity” not to miss. Of course, as a Christian they’d say that lust was wrong, but in their heart they enjoyed it when temptations came around and they even sought them out. When they gave in to lust they felt guilty and condemn themselves. Then they’d try harder only to fall again.
Eventually they end of living two lives: one as a Christian with a family and other responsibilities and the other as a lust addict who secretly indulges a growing appetite.
Where’s the relief? In interludes between “acting out.” In denying the problem. In giving into lust and enjoying the excitement.
Lust Leaves you Empty
But that’s pseudo relief. Like all compulsive behaviors and all sins lust leaves you empty. Desire is not the same as love. Excitement is not the same as joy. Giving in to relieve tension is not the same as peace.
“Our hearts are restless until they rest in God” wrote Augustine so many centuries ago.
“Everyman going to a brothel is looking for God” wrote GK Chesterton, CS Lewis’ mentor.
Love, joy, and peace are fruits of the Spirit. We are blessed by this sweet fruit when we give our hearts to God and find our satisfaction in him and what he provides.
Getting Free of Lust
I tell people that to get free of compulsive lust they need use three kinds of help: Christian therapy, a recovery group, and spiritual disciplines.
Therapy
There are many possible reasons why people struggle with lust. Uncovering these reasons and treating their damage is important to making a lasting change of heart and character.
Usually people who have a problem with lust have early wounding in their development. They may have been abused, emotionally neglected, grown up without a father, enmeshed with their mother, or exposed to pornography at a young age.
They’ve learned to use lust to feel better. It became a way to cope with depression, loneliness, anger, or anxiety. They’ve become habituated to the exciting biochemical changes in their body that accompany lust — lust lives in their bodies and they depend on it to feel good.
They need to learn to bring their conflicts, wounds, stress, and distress into relationship with someone they trust and respect — instead of using lust to avoid pain and get excited. They need help to discover or re-discover the joy and meaning in the simple blessings of life: experiencing care from a person, smelling a flower, playing with a child, or seeing a sunset.
